Decisions, Decisions.

How many times in our lives are we faced with decisions? We face them many, many times on a daily basis but obviously some are on a much larger scale than others. The choices you may have to make could vary between "what should I eat for lunch today?" to "what do I want to do for the rest of my life?" We make decisions based on our own personal experience and our morals, beliefs and values. I personally have a tough time making even the smallest of decisions because I'm always concerned about every one of the possible outcomes of making that choice and I obsess over it for longer than I really should. I've realised that the possibilities of how something might turn out in the long run are endless because in the process you have to make a thousand smaller decisions to get you to the next point in your life. I cannot tell the future and I don't know where I'm going to be or what I'm going to be doing or feeling in 3 years from now, or even 6 months from now. I won't know until I get there. The truth is, to actually think about not being able to know what lies just ahead of me is terrifying but also exciting because as I said, the possibilities are endless. A lot of people like to think of life as a road or path where sometimes you come across a fork in the road and that's when you're faced with a decision. I like to think of life as an empty canvas, you have room to create your own story, and go whichever way you choose, there is no right or wrong way to learn. There are always going to be obstacles that pop up and you're going to have to find your way around them but if there's one thing I cannot stress more it's to not regret anything. At some point when you made that decision, you wanted it, so why regret something you once wanted? If you found out that you what you thought you wanted and what you actually wanted were completely different things there's no need to look back and say "I shouldn't have done that" or "I should have done this instead" because we can't erase the past but we can learn from it. One of the biggest questions of all time is "what is the point of life?" I believe that life is not about doing everything right and being the best or most accomplished person in the world. We all make mistakes but it's those mistakes that make us who we are. The point of your life is to be you, and no one else; to live up to your expectations, not society's, and to enjoy who you are and what you're doing. You can't enjoy yourself if you're constantly looking back and regretting the things you may have done wrong, but instead you can accept that you made a mistake and move on to the next part of your life knowing that you have grown as a person and have learned not only about how to handle certain situations but who you really are and expand on it. So, instead of obsessing over decisions and being afraid to make choices, just jump into it. There is no "worst thing that could happen" because even if something hurts you still learn and grow. Even if you thought it was the worst thing, you never really know where the other choices may have led you. The only thing you can do is make the best of it, move forward and continue creating your life and seeing where it may lead. 

Live, Every Day.

I've never been able to grasp the concept of death, when I think about someone I know or once knew, I can't picture this world without them in it, and once they're gone my mind cannot believe that they're actually gone. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, that part of me still believes that they're here (in our hearts, memories etc) but the one thing that I find the most strange is how people as a whole deal with death. Instantly when you hear of someone who passed away you start thinking of all of the things you once did together, the things you said to them and how you overall interacted with them, you recall memories. Then, you start wondering if there was anything that you wanted to say or do but didn't and you begin regretting not acting on it when you still had the chance. Here's the part that just blows my mind though, even though we feel this way when dealing with death, we do not feel this way as often in life. Instead of saying the things we want to say or taking a chance and doing the things we want to do with our friends or even our peers we don't even give it a thought, we do not live life to it's fullest and take advantage of every opportunity that arises. We do not think about "what if I never see this person again, what if I never even get to say goodbye?" I believe that we should always show our true feelings to others, even if it's scary, it's okay to be afraid. I once said that we should never live each day as it's our last, we should live it like it's our first because if you treat every day like every experience is new to you, you will learn to appreciate life more. But I also believe that we should treat every day as if it might be someone else's last, because you never know. We should take chances and risks, and make sure that our loved ones always know how we feel, we should be compassionate and emotional and express ourselves as often as possible. When the day comes where my life comes to an end I want the people that I love to know just how much I loved them and that I treasure every moment I have ever had with them. I want the people who made a difference in my life to know that they made a difference and that they taught me something to help me become the person that I am. This is the reason why I do not like going to bed angry, I like all issues or problems that arise to be solved quickly and handled well. You never know when the last time you see someone might be, and you never want the last thing you say to them to be a negative thing. 

Just my thought for today, I hope it made you think a little. 

Grinds My Gears.

You know what really grinds my gears? Well, a lot of things but I'm just going to touch on some of them right now. First thing, parents (after moving out on your own).  I understand they worry and all but it's one thing to show concern and another to blatantly show that they have no confidence in you and expect you to fail. Here's an example for you. The other day my boyfriend posted a status about his terrible morning, I guess his parents' friend saw it and commented on it telling him that if he moved back home to his parents house he wouldn't have those kind of problems because they would take care of him. His mom later on commented agreeing with her friend and pointed out that things wouldn't be like that at her house. By saying this they both directly implied that I'm not doing a good enough job keeping things in order. At first when I read all of these comments I was really angry. But then I thought "you know what? That makes no sense whatsoever." His whole status was about how when he woke up he stepped in pee (because we have a puppy), then he went out to start and brush off his truck (which is a lie because I did it, just like I do every morning) and while he was outside the dog ate his breakfast (which is also a lie because he never gets up early enough to eat breakfast) and found out that his truck wouldn't start because it wasn't plugged in (even though it started fine and was plugged in the night before) and then he backed into a tree because there was snow covering the back window and blah blah blah. Anyway  back to the point, these people are saying that if he were to move back home then these things would never happen, but to me that just doesn't sound right at all. His parents live 45 minutes out of town so he would have to wake up even earlier, which he wouldn't do seeing as the whole reason he was late was because he didn't get up on time, the only difference there would be is that he wouldn't have any excuses as to why he was late and would be forced to be honest about it. The fact that they think that he would be better off living back at home irritates me because they have no clue what goes on in our home, and what we do. They were saying things like "oh your mom will take care of you" and "I'd even make your lunch!" Basically saying that he would have everything handed to him. First of all, he already does have a lot of things handed to him. I do all of the housework, his only "chores" consist of taking out the garbage, helping me with dishes, and getting me to and from work and it's on his way to his classes anyway  I also do all of the budgeting and expenses. All he ever has to do is take out his half of the money for rent once a month and the landlords come and collect it. Any other bills I personally pay for through online accounts that I have created and I keep record of everything that has to be paid, and when it was paid. I even pay for half of his gas. I keep track of who pays for groceries and make sure it's always balanced between the two of us and a lot of times I'll buy things we need and won't write it down because I don't mind picking up a few things without making him pay for half of them. Another comment on the status was "think of all of the money you'd save!" But in reality, not much. He would no longer have someone paying for half of his gas and he'd be spending $25 in gas every day to get to school and back from where they live, not including going other places (he has school 5 days a week so that's $125 a week or $500 a month, which is substantially larger than what he pays for rent in a month and with the other bills it would be about roughly the same).

 I know I take good care of my boyfriend, in fact I feel like I often put him before myself. I may not be perfect and sometimes things get a little hectic and it's hard to keep up with life but I try my hardest and I'm only just transitioning into adulthood. We have been living on our own for only 5 months, I'm not going get the hang of it right away but I will eventually. And another thing that blew my mind once I started thinking about it, do they have no aspirations for him whatsoever? Do they really expect him to live with his parents for the rest of their lives? I mean, he has to go his own way eventually, so why not let him do it now? I don't know if it's just because maybe they don't like me or something, but regardless, you have to let your kid do what he wants, not what you think he should do, because I'm sorry to say but he's an adult now who can make his own decisions. It's time for him to be a man, it's time for him to make mistakes and learn from them, it's time for him to figure things out himself and stop clinging to mommy whenever he needs something. One thing you need to know when you're finally an adult and are out facing the world on your own for the first time is that you have to be able to figure things out no matter what life throws at you. Instead of sitting there complaining about it you should do something about it. Had a bad morning? Make the next one better by being prepared. Something is bothering you? Talk about it and find a solution. Have money problems? Get a second (or better) job. I did. I was working two jobs and still came home and did housework and paperwork, AND I'm still trying to go through schooling too. You can't lean on your parents forever, and parents have to stop being "helicopter parents" you can't always be there, your "little baby: is not a baby any more. Offer support if they need, give advice but never try and do everything for your kid or they will never be successful in life because they will always be waiting for whatever to be handed to them. I'm sorry if this is very blatant or offensive to some people but I'm entitled to my own opinion and sharing my personal views from my own experiences. I'm not saying this is how it goes with every "helicopter parent" and their kid but I've seen it lots. And take it from someone who has worked for everything she has ever had in her whole life, it feels much better when you accomplish something on your own and you appreciate it more than when you get something handed to you. 

I'm done ranting for now. 

The Smartest Thing I've Ever Written.

While looking for something someone gave me from 4 years ago in my room today I found something. I was looking on one of the top shelves in my room that I don't normally put anything and I happened to come across a piece of paper folded in half. I knew that I had wrote it because it was in my handwriting and also written in purple pen. After reading it I came to a conclusion that it may be the smartest thing I've ever written in my life. I don't remember when or why I wrote it but I do have a vague memory of writing it down. Here's what it says. 


"You know what I've learned though? Just when you think you know it all, reality comes and slaps you in the face. I mean, you think you know life so well and you know exactly what to do and how it's going to go but the truth is you can never plan your life nor can you control it. In some aspects, yes, but most things happen unexpectedly whether it's the result of an action, something you said or just by pure coincidence. You can't count on anything being absolutely permanent and you can trust no one. Like, I've lived quite a life, not really a the greatest life but I thought I had everything figured out but when I think about it, I really didn't" 


It's kind of jumbled thoughts but the main concept, that concept being that nothing is definite and that life is out of your control most of the time is probably one of the smartest things I've ever realized. I had forgotten this concept until I reread that folded up piece of paper, and after reading it, it brought a feeling, it's kind of hard to describe. This feeling was almost like relief, but more like realization all over again that sometimes life throws problems at you but it's out of your control so you just have to learn to roll with the punches (or whatever the phrase is) and that when something ends, you shouldn't be disappointed because nothing is ever definite. You take what you learned from the experience and move on with your life and create new adventures and a new life for yourself. The feeling I felt was almost like a sense of comfort that I know this because at least if I know this, I can expect the unexpected and take whatever life throws at me because I know it happens to everyone.