First of all, I am very old fashioned when it comes to dating. Do you ever look back at the past and think, "woah, things seemed really awesome back then!" Well, it's because they had a whole different take on things. In today's society things like one night stands and casual hook ups are not an uncommon thing. A lot of people will have sex with complete strangers, and I personally don't think it's right. Remember back in the day where a guy would have to woo a girl, take her on dates, and actually work really hard just to get one little kiss? I certainly do! What ever happened to that? I mean, I wasn't alive when all this was happening but I've seen movies, I've read my fair share of stories and even heard stories from older people. Back in the day people were romantic, and somehow we have lost our way. So why not go back to how things used to be? Do things the OLD FASHIONED WAY! :) In case you need a little help with that here's some guidelines you should follow.
2. Step One: Who Woulda Thunk Of Getting to Know Someone?
I'm totally sick and tired of hearing of people jumping into relationships, or into bed, with someone they hardly know! Relationships work SO much better when you don't do things backwards. Yes, I know, this sounds hypocritical because I've jumped into relationships before, but maybe you should listen to me since I've experienced it! Before you start dating someone you should have ACTUAL conversations with people. "What? Conversations you say? What is this nonsense you speak of? Can't I just say 'hey baby, you look hot'? That usually works, right?" WRONG. You need to let this person know EXACTLY what your all about and you need to know that about them as well. Don't know what to talk about? Here's some suggestions:
- favourite bands/artists/genres
- crazy fun stories of your past
- what you want to do with your life
- your views on things in life
- favourite tv shows/movies/short films/any type of media
- hobbies
I'm not gonna lay out EVERY topic cause there's so many but once you start talking with the right person you'll find it's hard to stop. Common interests in things bring people together. That saying "opposites attract" isn't really true because if you truly are opposites of each other then you generally don't have the same interests which leaves you with nothing to talk about and usually ends in arguing of some sort, or something along the lines of that. That being said, people can have different interests, people expand on their own interests by becoming interested in other peoples interests. I've said "interest" enough now. The point is, FIND SOME COMMON INTERESTS AND TALK ABOUT IT! Talk through the internet, the phone, through texting, in person, through smoke signal, I don't care just communicate in some way before even considering dating this person.
3. Step Two: The Almighty First Date.
Now that you've talked, you feel like you are genuinely interested in this person not only for their stunning good looks and charm but also their awesome personality as well, right? Okay, so this is the time to take a risk, asking them on the almighty first date! This can be a little scary because yes, we are all afraid of rejection, but it's better to have tried and failed than not tried at all. If you fail, you move on, find someone new and start all over. That's all there is to it. But how might you ask someone on a date? Or, what should I do for this date? You may ask. Well have no fear! I shall tell you! Here's a list of DOs and DON'Ts
When asking someone on a date....
DO:
- Ask them in person, over the phone or something more personal than texting or over any form of "chatting"
- Ask them in a comfortable manner, make sure you're giving them a choice and not making them feel obliged to say yes. [Example, "Hey (insert name here) I was just wondering if you would like to go ice skating or something with me on Sunday" (insert stunning smile here)]
- Be confident, confidence is sexy.
DON'T:
- Make a huge show of it because that could make them feel like they have to go, don't be buying gifts or anything like that until at least the third date, and even then make it a small gift, like a single flower rather than a bouquet. Also, some girls are uncomfortable when it comes to receiving gifts, like I am, so be sure to discuss that sort of thing casually.
- Get your friend to ask them, or any other impersonal thing like that, this must be done yourself.
- Don't set up the date before they know [Example, "Hey (insert name here) I reserved us a table at that restaurant you said you liked for Saturday, hope you're as excited as I am!" That's just inconsiderate.]
- Be over-confident because then you just look like an idiot who is full of themselves.
When going on a date...
DO:
- Choose a place to go together, somewhere that you will both enjoy. If you like sports and they don't, don't invite them to watch the game.
- Go somewhere casual rather than fancy, like go ice skating, go for a walk down the pier, or to the beach etc.
- Go somewhere that's not overly loud, where you can talk.
- Bring gum, no one likes bad breath
- Holding hands is first date acceptable if you are both comfortable with it.
- Express that you had a great time and would really like to do it again some time.
- Walk them home from your date (if walking)
- Be polite, have manners and etiquette.
- Guys, opening doors for the ladies is always nice. Girls, thank the gentleman who just held that door open for you!
DON'T:
- Bring friends on a first date, later on in the relationship double dates are great and can be a blast but this is the time when you're getting to know each other romantically instead of just as people.
- Ask them to pay/ refuse to let them pay. If you come to a problem like this, you can discuss if you want to split the cost. I may be old fashioned but the man doesn't always have to pay. I think the person who asked the other person on a date should pay, unless the other person wants to chip in of course.
- Try to kiss on the first date, or anything like that.
- Give any gifts at this point.
- Be obnoxious, talk about only yourself, show off a lot or anything like that.
4. Step Three: Dating
Did you know that 'dating' can mean that you're not in a relationship at all? Oh wow, that's unheard of! Everyone is always in a relationship! After getting to know each other and going on the almighty first date, you should probably consider 'dating' this person you're interested in, instead of immediately asking them to be in a relationship with you. "Well, how long should I be 'dating' this person? Or, what are the rules of this 'dating'?" I'll tell ya. Dating should last for at least a couple weeks, at least long enough to go on at least 3 dates (3 can be a magical number ya know!). Personally, I'd prefer that dating lasts 3 weeks, one date a week, you can go on more dates than three or continue dating for longer than 2 or 3 weeks, but you should stick to the rules of dating while you're dating, makes sense, doesn't it? Here are a few rules when it comes to dating.
DATING RULES TO KEEP IN MIND!
- For all first date dos and don'ts, re-read step two!
- Do not kiss on the second date, a kiss on the hand or the cheek in parting or greeting would be acceptable but no kissing on the lips and no going any farther, obviously. Still no gifts at this time, save that for the third date. Go somewhere like a movie, to see a comedy show, go to a concert etc.
- Yes, you can kiss on the third date, you can also now purchase a small gift if you'd like such as flowers or something, but nothing super expensive. Going to dinner is a good idea for the third date. Do not do anything more than kiss on the third date.
- While dating you should not sleep together or anything of the sort, wait for the relationship stage.
- "Hanging out" is not considered a date.
- Dating means that you're are NOT exclusive at this point, that comes when the relationship begins.
- Do not go to a bar or club for a date, it's not classy at all.
- If you go to a place that serves alcohol such as a restaurant/concert etc. do not get drunk, also not classy, a drink or two is not a problem but getting drunk is sloppy.
- Always. Be. Classy.
5. Step Four: Relationship Time!
Okay, so you've decided that you really like this person and you want to become exclusive, so what do you do? You ask them to be your boyfriend/girlfriend of course! But there ways that you should do this. Here's a few guidelines to follow about how to ask someone out.
Guidelines!
- I suggest asking them while on a date, not just out of the blue.
- Do NOT ask them over texting or any form of instant messaging, that just takes the special and excitement right out of it.
- Actually, that's about it, you just have to be personal about it and obviously don't make them feel like they have to say yes.
Okay, so they said yes, and you're in a relationship. No, this does not mean you should jump into bed with each other. Personally, I believe that you shouldn't sleep with someone unless you know you have really strong feelings for them, so be sure of those feelings first.
6.Uh Oh, Break Ups.
It's not working out? Well it's better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all right? Okay, so you want to break up with this person, after everything you've decided that you're just not going to work out. Here's some guidelines when it comes to breaking up with someone.
- Don't do it over text/ instant messaging
- Over the phone is kind of iffy
- It'd be best and most respectful for you to do it in person
- Don't say the totally cliched line "It's not you, it's me"
- You better actually have a reason, and you better actually tell them why you two are not going to work out. Breaking up without explanation is just stupid.
- So, you met someone else that you think you'd be more interested in, it happens sometimes. Be a good person and tell the person you're currently with instead of sneaking around behind their backs, or worse, cheating on them.
- Always think twice before breaking up with someone, think about if it's something you really want to do. If you're just having some problems see if there's a way that you and your partner could work on these problems rather than just ending it and running away from them. I'd say about 90% of problems that people have in relationships are solvable. Yes, it's going to take time. Yes, it's going to take effort. But if you really care about your partner it's worth it.
- After breaking up, do not sleep with your ex. It only causes mixed feelings and hurts both people. In a sense, yes it's better than sleeping with a stranger but at the same time it could be very harmful to the friendship if you're wanting to stay friends.
- After breaking up rebound relationships tend to follow as you're feeling very alone and just want to be loved. Be very careful about this because rebound relationships never last. You want to be at where you and your ex were at so you rush through the relationship trying to get there and it damages the relationship, therefore causing it to end. At the end of a rebound relationship, both people just end up getting hurt. I really don't suggest it. Instead, just take some time to concentrate on yourself and becoming happy again.
7. I MISS MY EX!
Okay, so you broke up with your ex and are now missing them like crazy. Don't worry this happens but if you decide you want to get back together, give it time first. You're both still healing and everyone goes through stages after a break up. Here are the stages:
STAGE ONE: Healing from the Break Up.
During this stage you are healing from the pain you experienced from the break up. Break ups can be harsh and are always hard to deal with so during this stage you (and your ex) will both be very emotional and fragile. It's best to keep your distance and allow them their space so they have time to heal.
STAGE TWO: Healing from the Bad Memories.
When you two were together something obviously went wrong to cause the break up, either loss of chemistry, attraction, maybe a fight or something along the lines of that. During this time you are slowly pushing all that into the back of your mind, not completely forgetting it but no longer allowing it to bother you. Talking to your ex now would just remind you both of the bad memories and prolong this stage so I suggest keeping the distance until this stage is over.
STAGE THREE: I Miss You.
After all of the healing, you (or your ex) can finally miss the other person, generally you're not going to be remembering the bad times but you're going to be remembering the good times you had together, the laughs you shared and how happy you were with that person. Think really long and hard if you're sure you want to get back together with your ex, because numerous break ups can be harmful on a relationship and it wastes your time with someone you don't want to be with or doesn't actually want to be with you when you could be finding someone else. Make a list of pro's and con's if you have to and then go about trying to rekindle your relationship or moving on, which ever you choose.
STAGE FOUR: Moving On.
After long enough all of the pain and bad memories have subsided, you have decided to maybe try and find someone else who will be more compatible with you. Good for you! Get back out there hot stuff! Just head on back to the top of the page and start all over. If your ex is moving on and you don't want them to, sometimes you just have to accept that it's over and do the same. It's hard but there's no point in waiting around for something when it's already off with another person. Always remember, you are a wonderful person, there are many people who are going to want to date you, you are a fox! So get back out there and be happy! :)
8. Author's Note
I have been through some pretty bad relationships, break ups and over all had some terrible experiences with dating, not that I'm going to share them with you at this time, but I'm saying I know how it feels. It feels pretty hopeless. I just want to tell you right now, don't give up. Because there ARE awesome people out there. Not all relationships work out and you just have to come to accept it. As you go through these relationships, break ups and bad dating experiences you learn and you grow as a person so sometimes you have to go through the bad to see the good.
One of the toughest things in the world would have to be break ups. I know there have been times in my life where I go crazy over a break up because you just know that there's some way you can fix it, but sometimes, there's not. I haven't actually gotten around to reading this book but I know the author is great and after skimming through it, it looks pretty helpful. If you're stuck in the middle of a break up and feel hopeless and lost I suggest you read "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken (A Smart Girl's Break Up Buddy) by Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola Behrendt". Greg was also one of the author's in the book "He's Just Not That Into You" which I'm going to talk about in a minute but first I have one thing to say about this book. Yes, it says a smart girls break up buddy but hey, guys can use it too. A lot of the time both guys and girls have had the same feeling towards a break up. So, if you're a guy and you're going through a really tough break up there's no harm in checking out this book.
Another really great book, which is also directed towards the ladies (but hey, guys, give it a chance!) is a book called "He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo". You've probably seen the movie but I have to say the movie is BASED off parts of the book, the book is nothing like the movie. It's not a bunch of characters doing their thing or anything, it's a book that tells you "if he's doing (insert action i.e. not calling you) he's just not that into you" and it goes more depth into it. This is a book I STRONGLY recommend to anyone, especially people who have had previous issues with dating, such as always going for the wrong type of person. This book has given me such great insight to relationships and if I could hug Greg and Liz and thank them for writing it, I would. If you can get the "newly expanded edition" I suggest it as they added more wonderful things in there for you.
*newly expanded edition
You can find either of these books at your local bookstore (I bought them from Chapters) or you can order them online. Here are a couple links to order them if you so wish.
It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken:
He's Just Not That Into You:
9. Thank You!
I just want to thank all of you readers for reading my article and I hope it has somehow in someway helped you. :) I love every single one of you!
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