Changes

You know what I find interesting? This may not be how it works with everyone but I can at least say it's true for myself and some of the people I have/had close relationships with. We do our most self reflections when we've been knocked down. We don't ever take the time to take a step back and look at ourselves when we're feeling good about ourselves, only when we're down. I was thinking today of all of the qualities I wish I could have but I don't and wondering if I could force myself to take on those qualities. For example, I'm a worrier and I'm often afraid to take risks. I need things to be absolutely clear and defined and laid out organized. I have a hard time making decisions even if it's just the smallest ones. These are a few of my personality characteristics, they make up who I am yet I often find that I don't want to be that person. I want to be brave and confident, and care less about things that I actually care way too much about. I want to stop obsessing over the little details and/or the things of the past. But I also realized I've had this thought so many times before too and I've tried to change parts of myself so that I can be completely satisfied with who I am. Then, I really started to think about it and I realized that I have changed quite a bit over the years. I've become stronger and taken a few more risks that I probably wouldn't have before, I've forced myself to step out of my shell more often and meet new people, but even though this is true I'm still often unhappy with the amount that all of these changes have increased. I thought that by now I wouldn't have a care in the world and that I'd be able to handle everything that comes my way. I thought I would be able to just brush off anything that made me feel less significant and unsure of myself because I'd be confident enough to know that who I am is just fine. These things seem to come so easily to others but for me it's like a struggle sometimes and I can't help but wonder if most people do feel this way but don't show it, or if it's something I'll grow out of, or if I'm just different. I'm not saying that I don't like who I am entirely, I do like certain aspects of myself but there are a lot of things that I could point out that I would like to improve and work on, and I'm quite impatient. A lot of the time I find myself wishing that I could just say "okay, starting today I'm going to be confident" and it would happen but reality is, is that it takes a lot of work and time to adapt to changes, and like I said, I'm impatient and honestly, a little bit scared. 

There are many things I wish I could change and I think my problem is, is that I have a major issue with feeling the need to be perfect. But here's the problem with my problem, there is no such thing as perfect. Everyone has a different idea of what "perfect" is but there is no exact description. So, my perspective on perfect is constantly changing because I'm hearing other people's opinions on what they think perfect is in all different aspects of life such as at work, as friends, in relationships, in every day life, and even as just a stranger. I want to be a good person who takes care of others and is sensitive to others feelings but at the same time I want to be able to be tough and strong and not have to worry about other people and how they affect my life, but the two just don't mix. Same goes for I want to be a confident person who isn't afraid to show the world exactly who they are but I also don't want to seem shallow or full of myself. There's no such thing as a happy medium apparently because no matter how hard I try I either end up caring too much or too little, coming off snobby because I'm too shy or obnoxious because I'm too "out there" or, end up hurting someone else because I'm too hard or hurting myself because I was too soft.  

After all of this over-analysing and thinking I've decided that there's nothing wrong with wanting to alter who you are to better yourself, because we do it all of the time regardless of whether we want to or not based on experiences in our lives. Our whole lives are spent figuring out who we are and I think that experiencing changes is definitely a part of that. Change is terrifying but it could be the best thing that ever happened to you and it's not something to obsess over. I don't need to change because someone else might want something different from me, I should want to change so that I can be happier and have a better life. So that's exactly what I will do. I can be whoever I want to be, and can do whatever I set my mind to. I can live life with no regrets, and stop obsessing over the past. The past is the past and you just have to take from that what you can learn and keep moving forward.